Turning 40: Mid-life crisis and cougaring

I’m seven months from turning forty. They say life begins at forty and if that’s true, then I’m really looking forward to it since I believe I’ve enjoying my life so far. I’m what most people would describe as happily married and a successful entrepreneur. I consider myself blessed with all the opportunities that have come my way which have made me grow as a person and an entrepreneur.

But there’s one thing I don’t think I was prepared for: mid-life crisis.

Although mid-life crisis is usually characterized by an emotional period of doubt and anxiety, I think mine is taking an interesting turn. Mine has got to do with crushing on younger hot guys. I’ve always fascinated about younger fit-looking guys which is kind of normal, right? But for some time now, I’ve found myself intensely attracted to one guy who crossed my path recently. Could it be hormones?

I never saw myself growing to become a cougar but it seems that’s where I’m headed. I usually am very cautious about doing things not characteristic of me but in this case, it seems like I’m being reckless and indifferent about it.

This boy toy has become like a drug to me. I’m always anticipating when we are going to meet and when we do, it’s exciting and all but after we part ways, I feel like I’m suffering from withdrawal syndrome. I’m always on edge and get sharp and snappy with my employees at the least provocation. Even my dear husband has had to suffer my unwarranted outbursts from time to time.

But like an addict, I find myself going back. A part of me knows what I’m doing isn’t right but another part is operating on the ‘screw it’ mode. I guess that’s why my mood swings usually after leaving his company. Could it be out of guilt and self-loathing about who I’m turning into?

I think he suspects; my husband, I mean. He has become very wary of my movements and phone conversations. I don’t blame him; it takes one to know one. Actually, during one of my reckless rounds, he found me lunching with my crush. As cool and gentlemanly as he was, he rubbed my back and walked away. He didn’t wait to be acknowledged. It’s good he didn’t because I don’t think I’d have and it would have been worse. At least, I had a good enough excuse for being seen with him at the time. I was working. My job includes meeting young people. Sue me.

Although he may suspect, he hasn’t had the courage to confront me because dear hubby owes me big time for misbehaving years back especially when I was going through hell carrying his babies. He even went as far as hooking up with one of my girlfriends. Shameless, huh?

Back then, I was a different kind of woman so I forgave him and we moved on but not unscathed. I found myself feeling insecure about myself. It almost turned me into an obsessive, distrusting wife who wanted to know every woman who had spoken to my husband whether in passing or at sit-down. I think I’m better now; I’m less paranoid.

So now, I think that I’m a loose bird…flying high and low as my soul pleases. Whenever I feel satisfied, I’ll return to my cage and we’ll sort things out…hubby and I. He’s a better man now, I must admit. Age and parenting has matured him but he’s still not a saint. That I know. How do I know? Call it a woman’s intuition.

Another reckless thing I did was handing my phone to an employee to answer a call for me while I was engaged in something; especially when my pet guy and I were having an ongoing chat. When she returned the phone, the look in her eyes told me she knew.

Normally, I should panic, right? But I couldn’t care less. She wouldn’t tell on me; that much I knew. If she ever gets the courage to confront me, I could tell her what I’ve had to endure some time back. Call it payback or flimsy excuse but I think I’ve earned the right to play that card. Judge me all you want.

I recently returned home from a work-pleasure trip out to another country and boy toy joined me there. His job is related to the trip so we could get away with it. When my kids welcomed me home with screams of delight, I felt my heart being pierced with guilt. But one look at the face of my husband, and my resolve hardened. Dare me if you can, I stared back.

Perhaps I still haven’t forgiven him for cheating on me more than once especially during my vulnerable times although I told him and convinced myself that I have. That may be what is feeding my weird mid-life crisis. Or it could just be a phase.

Whatever be the phase, I plan to enjoy the ride till it lasts. I just hope the after-damage will be manageable enough. I know I have a lot to lose if this ‘crisis’ goes south but life is too short not to live it dangerously sometimes. Pray for me, will you? I think I may need it to exit this phase faster. T for thanks.

XOXO

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(c) Josephine Amoako 2019