Joseyphina's World

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Surveillance from the Inside Out

Photo credits to Google Images

We love to proclaim, “God, come live in me; God, let your presence surround me as I go about my day,” but do we really mean it? Do you really want God to see what you set your eyes on, do you want him to witness the thoughts that run through your mind as the day passes?

Listening to Michelle Williams“If We Had Your Eyes” song, it made me think of how futile it was worrying about my identity and place in this world when God already has already taken care of that even before I was born. If only we had God’s eyes, we wouldn’t bother ourselves with lots of things which leave us frustrated and feeling unfulfilled.

But it also got me thinking, if God was watching me through my very eyes, would he be pleased? Would he smile in pride if my thoughts were played on a loudspeaker for all to hear or would he bow his head in shame? Would he boast of me to the angels when he listens in to what I feed my mind through my ears?

When we get to our breaking point and give in to the various temptations, we hope that the Watcher of our souls isn’t looking at us at that moment. So we pretend to think that as long as no human eye sees what we’re doing, God’s eyes would be shut as well. Silly us!

So let’s not pretend that we are struggling with one thing or the other; denying you have a weakness only gives it a stronghold in your life. And let’s not pretend that our secrets are known to only us; that’s a pitiful deception.
Since knowing that we are accountable for our actions helps keep us on our toes and that we are under constant surveillance before the eyes of our Maker, we should beware of what we deliberately or unintentionally watch, hear, think and feel.

In whatever you find yourself doing, take a minute to ask yourself, “Would God like this? Does it make the suffering and death of his Son on the cross worthwhile?” And since we are living in the era of grace, let’s not venture into deliberate sins thinking that we’ll ask for forgiveness when we are done and guilt begins to haunt us. That’s dangerous; you may never know if you’d get the chance to pray for forgiveness since you don’t know what will happen in the next sixty seconds.

Let’s then live always conscious of the fact that we carry God’s Spirit and presence in and with us wherever we go so let’s not put the purity of God’s holiness into disrepute by our lifestyle. Watch what you see, check what you think about and be careful of you listen to.

What Was I Thinking? LI


This wasn’t happening. Was this really happening? I tried searching my mind to find an answer but found it as confused as my very soul. Am I having a nightmare in my subconscious? I wondered worriedly as I tried to make sense of my new environment. Well decorated room, comfortable but something felt off.
“Let this be a dream, please,” I muttered. I looked up when the door creaked open. There was Fitz with a baby in his arms. I blinked a few times and felt tears in my eyes.
“Meet lil’ Karen, honey. She is so pretty…just like you.” He handed the cute baby to me and when I touched her soft face, my heart melted. She opened her toothless mouth and yawned. Fitz sat down and watched us.
I couldn’t believe it. I was a mother. I had been reading books and articles in preparation for this new phase of my life and now that she has arrived, I had no idea whether I was ready to nurture this little being.
“She’s so beautiful,” I said softly, my emotions overwhelming me.
“She’s indeed a beautiful gift to us.” I looked at him.
“Where am I, Fitz?”
“This isn’t home.”
“But it is. Wherever we are in the world, it is home as long as we’re together.”
“So were you serious when you said I was…?” I couldn’t bring myself to utter the word.
“Dead to the world? Why would I make up a story like that?”
“Why would you deceive everyone like that? Snatch me away from my friends, my family!”
“I am your friend and your family, Emily.”
“Did you ever stop to think of the pain my mother would be going through having to believe her only child is gone?”
“She’ll be fine. Promising to give her a handsome allowance indefinitely seemed to do the trick. After all, she has a granddaughter. Her lineage goes on.” I shook my head in utter disbelief. How he could think lavishing money on a grieving mother was a substitute for the pain of losing a child. Oh goodness, who did I get married to?
Lil’ Karen squirmed and I turned my gaze back to her. Karen. I looked at Fitz.
“Let me speak with Karen.”
“And why would I let that happen? It would defeat the whole purpose of convincing the world you’re dead.”
“I still don’t get why you think doing that was the wisest idea but I have to talk to Karen.”
“And why is that?”
“She is my best friend. I need to speak with her. She’ll keep your secret.”
“I’ll advise that we leave her to grieve in peace. I’ve recommended a grief counsellor to her. It hit her hard but I’m sure James would help her get over it.”
“When I say I want to talk to Karen, I’m not asking, Fitz.”
“And you better not be demanding it, Emily; because you have no right to demand anything.” He stood up and his breath had suddenly gotten heavy.
I blinked as I held my breath.
“You lost that right long time ago, young lady.”
“So what, you’re keeping me here against my will?”
“Whether it’s by or against your will is just a matter of perspective. So for your own good, make your outlook on our new arrangement a favourable one. Because whether you like it or not, this is your new home.”
The baby squirmed and made an attempt to cry.
“I think she’s hungry. Kindly feed your daughter. I’ll excuse you two,” he said and walked out of the room. He closed the door and I heard the metallic sound of the locks turning. Was he serious?
Lil’ Karen gave another warning cry and I rocked her gently.
“You hungry? Mummy is going to feed you, all right?”
I winced inwardly when her tiny lips took in my nipple and sucked. I was a mother for real!
“Karen…” I needed to call Karen ASAP.
I looked around. Where the hell was I?

Karen was brushing her hair whiles staring at herself in the mirror. She froze when she saw Emily’s image looking at her from behind. She turned sharply and saw no one. She hadn’t had a good night sleep for some time now. Every dream has been troubled with one image of Emily or the other. She began trembling. When she turned back to face the mirror, her eyes were filled with tears.
I have been nothing but a good friend and sister to you. Why do you keep haunting me? She asked voicelessly. She put the hairbrush down.
There was a knock but she didn’t respond. The knock repeated. She kept staring at the mirror. The door opened and James entered.
“Karen? Karen? Are you okay?” He stood behind her.
“I keep seeing her, James.”
“It’s okay; her passing is still fresh on your mind. With time, the episodes will fade, I assure you. This room carries so many memories. I’ve told you, we can change the room for you. That will help you overcome your grief quicker.”
“No; I’m not leaving this room. I’m not going to run away from the millions of memories we’ve shared in this room. Doing so will be an unforgivable act of betrayal. I can’t give up on her.”
“You’ll not be betraying her, Karen. She isn’t missing; she’s gone. I know she loved you as much you did her but I also know she’d want you to let go and move on. She’d want you to have all the happiness in the world.”
“So why does it feel like she’s not…gone?”
“Because you’re in a state of denial, Karen. If you want to overcome this terrible time, you’ve to accept this new reality and move on.”
Karen shook her head.
“I’ve tried to accept it, Jay; something isn’t settling with me. Something keeps reminding me of Emily.”
“Of course! Everything in this room has been touched by and smells like Emily. How can you forget her when the brush you use each morning is hers?”
Karen closed her eyes and tears fell down her face.
“I need to see Karen.”
“Emily’s baby.” She took her phone.
“Who are you calling?”
“Seriously, Karen? I’m sure he’s also grieving over the loss of his wife. Why disturb him?”
“He said I could come see the baby anytime I wanted. The perks of having the baby named after me,” she said with a sardonic tone.
“I’m sure he meant it when he said it but I advise you give him a little time.”
“I need to see Karen,” she said firmly. James conceded with a nod and a kiss on her shoulder. Karen began searching for his name on her contact list.

Fitz slumped himself down on a swivel seat and sighed. He didn’t mean to lose his temper with Emily. He didn’t want her hating him now. The whole point of spending so much money to execute this selfish plan of his was making her see him as the centre of her world and not as her biggest mistake in life. So it would serve him no good if they began fighting so soon.
He didn’t understand why he loved Emily that much. All she had done was hurt and betray him. But he couldn’t bear to see her leave. He loved Lizzy but when they separated, he survived. He didn’t hurt as much as how he feared he’d hurt if Emily left him. Emily was his last chance at love and family and he wasn’t going to give her up.
His phone vibrated. He looked at the caller ID and groaned. What did she want?
He picked it up.
“Yeah, hello.”
“Good day, Fitz. How are you holding up?”
“Okay…considering the circumstances.”
“Good; I’d like to see the baby.”
“So I can come over?”
“As in now?” Fitz asked.
“Yeah, would that be a problem?”
“Well yeah, I’m out of town at the moment.”
“Okay; when will you be back?”
“I’ll let you know. Got to go.” The line went dead.

Karen stared at her phone, gaping.
“Did he just hang up on me?”
“I told you it was a bad idea. Heard from Adam recently?”
“Nope; we’re all dealing with it. When he comes around, I’m sure he’ll call.”

I burped lil’ Karen and smiled. Such a cute little being. It would have great having to nurture her with Karen. Fitz entered.
“Guess who called to see the baby.”
“Adam?” He rolled his eyes.
“Guess you still have him in your heart.”
“How could I forget the father of the baby I have in my arms?” I shot back. He glanced at me and fury flashed in his eyes. If he wanted to forcefully keep me here, I had no problem turning it into a dungeon of hell for both of us.
“It was Karen.” My heart leaped at the sound of her name. I swallowed.
“I told her I was unavailable.” I looked down in dismay.
“But don’t worry; I promised her full access to her goddaughter.”
“Then I guess I should be thanking you for your heartfelt generosity.”
“I don’t appreciate your cynicism.”
“That’s your problem.” His phone vibrated. He stared at it.
“Got to go. I’ll be back.”
“You can stay out the whole day; I could care less.” He chuckled.
“Don’t think putting up an attitude would change my decision.”
“That is my problem.” He turned around and left.
I patted the baby’s back and kissed her cheek.
“We’ll be out of here soon; I promise you.”

Her Big Day

The day every girl can’t wait to have. The day she has been dreaming of ever since she learnt how to dream. From the colour of roses to the number of bridesmaids, every detail has been carefully played out in her mind. Every ceremony witnessed only reinforces her resolve to be a bride one day.

The makeup must be flawless, the heels-they should sparkle; why, because she would be the Cinderella of the day. The hair should be perfectly fixed and the nails…what can I say? They should befit the hand about to get the ring.

And the dress? Whoa, it should be breathtaking. The men should nod in approval and the ladies should gasp in admiration. Yeah, gasp because the glamour should render them speechless. It should be the topic running on everyone’s lips. And the groom? He should be stunning as well. After all, he’s her Prince Charming.
The cake must be sweet…inside out. In sum, everything should be perfect.

It’s the biggest moment in her story…the movie scene everyone should be looking forward to. And she has no intention of leaving any stone unturned to have her perfect dream day become a reality.
So every guy she dates is just an audition to see if he fits in her big plans. If he is cute enough, charming enough, perfect enough to take her hand at the altar. And when the moment comes for her to respond ‘I do,’ would her heart flutter with excitement because she knows beyond all reasonable doubt that she’s making the right choice or would she hesitate; dreading that the guy she thinks he is may be wearing another face when she wakes up next to him the following morning?
But she presses on. This day must come before the end of the world. And judging from the trending news, she knows she doesn’t have time on her side. Each day matters, each date matters and so does every conversation.

So when you see her humming to herself with glee, don’t nudge her to stop; she is envisaging if the song will be perfect for her day. And don’t mind her when she makes the effort to maintain her weight; she just wants to make sure she looks just right for her dress.

Although it is a special day to both persons involved, it is extremely important that it becomes memorable to the lady. No wonder it’s the wishes of the bride that usually count.
People say the ceremony is just an initiating rite to usher one into another phase of life; it’s just a day but life after that is a whole journey. She knows that and when she gets to that bridge, she will cross it. But for now, leave her to dream.

Her day is going to be a big day.

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Your Birthday-History of a Legend or Mere Date?

1st September, 12th October, 25th May, 3rd April, 6th July-these are just random dates. Dates of days on which people were born and died. Dates on which people got married or got divorced; a date on which something valuable was discovered or something historical was destroyed. Whatever date comes to mind, it means something to someone somewhere in the world.

Dates do more than number the days in a year; they help people to keep in mind whatever they have achieved in their lifetime and also help posterity to know what has been done before them.
As each day passes, it is recorded somewhere that something significant has happened. A day wasted can never be recovered. So it is imperative that every 24-hour period that ticks away at you is put to good use. As they say, Rome was not built in a day but I do believe that Rome was being built every day.

So if your birthday is to be mentioned somewhere, would someone you know remember it and say in his heart, ‘that was the day someone great was born’? When you’re old, would the world continue to celebrate your years with you on your birthday, being grateful for your life?
You don’t have to be born with a silver spoon to make something happen; you don’t have to be domiciled in a particular location to be influential; and you don’t have to regret the year you were born because you think there’s much more you could have done if you were born earlier or later.

The day you were born (whether prematurely or not) was not a mistake. It was divinely planned just like your destiny. But you have to play an active role in realizing your dreams and turning your potentials into useful abilities. Make it an aim that every year that passes you by has at least one day that means something significant-a date someone would remember you with. It could be as simple as an act of volunteering service; not necessarily something so grand. Whatever you can do within your means is fine as long as it’s selfless.

Create a legend for yourself whiles you have the time, will and resources for it. Make sure you will be remembered for something. Let it be said, “On this day, a gift to the world was born.”

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What Was I Thinking? L


“You have a baby girl, Mr. Daniels.”
Fitz gave an inward sigh of relief. Thankfully, he wouldn’t have to name his child after that ingrate named Adam.
“And the mother? How’s she doing?” Karen asked anxiously. Fitz looked at the doctor. He hesitated for a moment.
“Doctor, how is Emily?”
“She lost a lot of blood…we tried our best…but she couldn’t make it. I’m terribly sorry for your loss.”
Karen felt her head spinning; her body growing numb; the ground beneath her feet shaking. She tried taking a step back but her body felt frozen. She opened her mouth to say something but her tongue felt stuck. Her world was crumbling down and she was running out of breath.
“Lady, are you okay?” Fitz glanced at her.
Karen lifted her head and when her eyes met Fitz’s, the tears gathering in her eyes fell on her cheeks.
When she finally found her voice, she screamed and passed out. Fitz caught her before she could hit the floor. The doctor signaled for a stretcher.
James came in with two bottles of water only to find his girlfriend being whisked away.
“What happened?!”
“She passed out. She’ll be fine.” Fitz sounded exhausted. He sat down.
“What happened? She was fine a few minutes ago.”
“It’s Emily.”
“What about her? Is she okay?” He shook his head.
“Is she…?”
When Fitz buried his face in his palms, James’ heart sank.
“Oh God!” he sighed. He sat down beside Fitz.
“This is going to be a big blow to Karen.”
“I know; so I’m counting on you to stand by her and help her endure this period. She’ll need it.” James nodded.
“I can’t believe Emily is gone,” James said faintly.
“Yeah me too. I didn’t get to say goodbye.”

Fitz stood outside the room where the babies lay and looked on quietly. He had a baby. He was a father. His face looked saddened but his heart was smiling. He felt a presence nearby and turned his head. It was Adam.
“She had a girl.” Adam nodded and glanced at the babies.
“Is she here?”
“No; she’s being monitored.”
“Where’s she?”
“She’s gone, Adam.”
“What do you mean…?” Fitz’s eyes said it all. Adam’s eyes widened.
“No; that can’t be. Emily can’t…”
“Karen passed out and is lying in one of the rooms. Go find her,” Fitz said and turned his gaze away from him.
Adam opened his mouth to say something but immediately, he forgot his words and turned around quietly. Fitz watched him walk away slowly. He sighed.

Karen’s eyes opened. Where was she? She looked around and saw James looking out the window, lost in thought. Why was she here? She sat up with a start. James turned.
“Hey…you’re awake.”
“What am I doing here?”
“Karen.” She looked up.
“Adam.” Then she remembered. Her heart suddenly felt heavy.
“I know.” He walked to her and hugged her.
“He killed her, Adam. He killed Emily.” He broke the embrace and looked at her.
“What do you mean?”
“He chose the baby over Emily. When it came down to whom he wanted more alive, he chose the baby, Adam. He sacrificed Emily so he could have the baby.”
“Are you sure about this?”
“I was there when the doctor asked him and he said, ‘save the baby.’ He killed her!” Violent sobs overcame her. Adam patted her back to calm her down but it seemed to make it worse. He glanced at James who got up and took his place.
“I’ll be right back,” Adam said and walked out.

“You killed her.” Fitz turned to see a seething Adam a few feet away.
“I take it that Karen is awake.”
“Why did you do that?” Adam asked, taking steps towards Fitz.
“Do what?” Fitz asked back, coolly.
“Choose the baby over her?”
“Because that’s what she’d have wanted.”
“Oh yeah? Did she tell you that? Did you two have a sit-down discussion about the choices you have to make during her labour? Because the Emily I know would want to live.”
“Yeah, Emily would have but ever since you got her pregnant, all she cared about was making sure the baby had a home to live in before she came out. She put the baby above everything else…above me.”
“And you despised her for that. And you paid her back at her most vulnerable moment. That was wicked, Fitz.”
“Oh it’s Fitz now, huh? You dropped Mr. Daniels already?”
“You took Emily away from me…but you’re not going to take my baby girl away.”
“Took Emily away from you? She was my wife! And you slept with her!”
“I didn’t know! Adam raised his voice to match Fitz’s. They both looked around to see if they had caught anyone’s attention. When they were both satisfied that they hadn’t, they turned their gaze to each other.
“I am sorry for that and so was Emily. You didn’t have to punish her like this.”
“I didn’t mean to punish her, Adam. She loved you and she loved the baby you two made. I didn’t want that to die.”
“How selfless of you,” Adam said, sarcasm ringing loudly in his voice.
“Believe me or not; I did what she would have wanted. I’m just tired,” he said and sat down. Fitz only stared at him.
“You should have chosen Emily.” He turned around and walked away.
“I did,” Fitz muttered to himself.

“Are you sure you want to go in alone?” James asked Karen. Karen nodded.
“Okay; I’ll be right here,” he said softly, rubbing her back. She held the door handle and gripped it hard. She sniffed and opened the door. She closed it and leaned on it.
There she lay on the bed, her face covered. She took slow painful steps towards the bed. She suddenly felt cold. She reached out to remove the cloth away from her face and she found her fingers trembling. She brought her hand to her lips to stop her from crying out loud. She tried again and uncovered her face.
She whimpered and the tears started pouring down her face.
“Em…you didn’t say goodbye.” She took the hand of the soul sister she had had for years.
“You promised, Em. You promised.”

When she came out, James went in for a few minutes. When he came out, he took Karen away.
Fitz entered and took Emily’s hand. He smiled through his tears.
“You look so beautiful asleep. You’re not gone. You’re just sleeping. And I know you can hear me. Thank you for making me meet you. Thank you for making me love you. Thank you for giving me a gift of a baby. I promise to let her know what a wonderful mother she had. You will never have a place in my heart, Emily. May you find rest in the bosom of the Father. Rest in peace, my love.” He bent down and planted a kiss on her forehead.

Karen and James sat in silence for several minutes. Out of the blue, she giggled. James squeezed her hand in his.
“What is it?”
“I remember when we first met…Emily and I. She came in as the new girl in the fifth grade I think and suddenly, every guy was all over her. I envied her and vowed not to spare her if she ever crossed my path. Fortunately or unfortunately, my crush at the time started looking her way and she flirted with him knowing it would piss me off. We had a big fight in class and we were both punished to clean the class after school that day. Then we both got to know the guy was seeing another girl so we teamed up to humiliate the boy in school. And it was classic, James. The guy became the clown of our batch. And Emily and I became besties. No one could ever come between us. And that was the beginning of a wonderful life together and Fitz just took her away from me,” Karen narrated.
“I can’t imagine you fighting over a guy,” James said, smiling. She smiled back. She wiped the tears off her face.
“I was a different girl back then. We both were. But we grew up…together. We laughed, we loved, we cried, we fought…together. I don’t know how I’m going to live without her.”
“You’re going to find a way. I’ll be with you…every step of the way. I know I will never be able to replace who Emily was to you so I’ll help you cherish and keep alive every memory you have of her.”
“Thanks, Jay.” She hugged him. He rubbed her back.
“I miss her already.”
“I do too.”

A number of Emily’s colleagues turned up for her funeral as well as her relatives. Her mother wailed throughout and refused to be comforted by her father. Tony was visibly shaken up as was Karen. Karen walked to the coffin in which Emily lay and sniffed.
“Rest in peace, my dear friend.”
Fitz, Karen, Adam, James looked on solemnly as the casket was lowered into the ground.
Fitz poured the first handful of sand onto the casket, followed by Karen then Adam.
“Goodbye, Emily.”

I woke up in a start. My heart was racing and my head pounding as my mind tried to take in my surroundings. Was it all a dream? Did I really die? Where was I? Where was everyone?
“Welcome back, Emily.” I turned to the voice. There stood Fitz, standing by the door, arms crossed.
“Where am I?”
“Don’t you want to know how your baby is doing?”
Ah yeah, I was pregnant…but not anymore.
“How is…?”
“She…it’s a she, Emily. And she’s doing well. She misses her mummy which is normal.”
“Where am I, Fitz?”
“Dead to the world.”
“What do you mean?”
“You died…or so they think.”
“Oh you have no idea how far I went to make that happen. Karen had a breakdown; even I naming our baby after her didn’t help make her feel better. Honestly, I felt sorry for her. It was like her world had come to an end. But she’ll pull through, hopefully. Adam too was shaken up. He has released a song about your loss and you won’t believe the massive hit it has got. I must say, I’m impressed. Even in your death, you continue to be his muse.”
“Why am I here?” I asked, still not believing my ears.
“For us to be together…alone; without the influence of your baby daddy or your best friend. I am your husband, Emily and I should be your entire world.”

I stared at him in unbelief. I couldn’t accept that I had married this good man and turned him into a monster by my actions. I felt tears gathering in my eyes and blinked. I wiped a stray tear away from my face.
“Come on, don’t be sad, Em. You’re safe here.”
“Where am I?”
“Somewhere quite far. And the best part is, they don’t even speak English here!”
“What? Where the hell have you brought me? Bangladesh?”
He laughed. “Good to know you still have you sense of humour. You will need it.”
I was about to say something when he cut in saying, “Enough with this for now. I think it’s about time I introduced you to little Karen, don’t you think?” He smiled and for the first time, it scared me.
“I’ll be right back,” he said and left, closing the door after him.
I looked around. There was no phone around. Where the hell was I? Was I really dead to everyone? God, please let me be in a Francophone country…now I regret not taking my French classes seriously. How was I ever going to escape from this monster I myself had created?
Father, help me for I have sinned.
Or maybe this was another dream; a dream within a dream. I pinched myself hard on the arm; I winced from the pain.
“Please wake up; please wake up…” I said repeatedly.


To some, home is a destination-a place where we hope to end up one day;
To another, it’s a location-the vicinity we aspire to live;
To others, it’s a building to which we return after our daily routines;
But to me, it’s a person-someone I can’t wait to return to when the day ends

Some tie up their concept of home to a place and they never end up there, they forever feel homeless.
For others, the only picture of home they have is the structure wherein they lay their heads each night and when life takes them somewhere far away from that, they feel they left a piece of them behind them.
But if your home is someone, you’re not tied down to a location; you’re mobile. Wherever he/she is, you feel at home around him/her regardless if it is on a bus or at a park. One would ask, ‘what if the person passes away?’ You’d lose that ‘home’ forever. I beg to differ on that.
First of all, my home is bigger than my parents or my beloved family at large. Home goes beyond the amazing company of my friends. My home falls on the bosom of the Master Architect who created me. He knows me best so no matter how stormy my life becomes at one point in time, I know my abode is secure.

I’m thankful that my God is not made up of wood which will burn when set ablaze; nor is He an idol who cannot see, move, speak, breathe much more fight my battles for me. I’m glad He is not a product of man’s inventions which can fail especially when you need it the most. But he is the Creator of all things, and the Mastermind behind some of the world’s greatest inventions.
He is eternal and so is my place in Him. Each day I live, I live in Him, through Him and for Him. And when He sweeps me away from this world, I will rest in His presence forever. No insurance policy beats that for sure.

Photo credits to Google Images.

And since He is such a sweet God and He knows how much we need humans to survive, He gives us family, friends and loved ones to love on earth till we meet Him in heaven.
So blessed is the one who finds home in someone who God has specially prepared! The ‘home’ will never run out of stock because God Himself will replenish every provision. Even in hard times when all there is are quarrels and tension, one knows and still trusts that the home he/she has will stand because the home was prepared uniquely for him/her.

So when I say my home is a person, I don’t fear that I’d be rendered destitute when he moves out of my continent or worse still, if he is to pass away. Because when that happens, my real Home above will give me another person to be called mine.

Mine to hold and behold;
Mine to nurture and to be nurtured;
Mine to live with and die beside;
Mine and only mine

Josephine Amoako © 2015

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What Was I Thinking? XLIX


It has been five days. Five whole days. The frenzied texts from Sabrina escalated my worries. Adam had gone completely dark and I couldn’t tell if he wanted to be out of reach for a while following our last encounter or he had been taken. If it weren’t for Sabrina, I’d have comforted myself with the former because Fitz insisted he didn’t know where Adam was and I was inclined to believe him. I knew Adam’s confrontation angered him but I also knew he was too classy to do anything dirty. Besides, he had been more than a gentleman in this whole matter. The fact that he still treated me with respect after everything I had subjected him to, proved what an angel he was…but who can tell if he had something up his sleeves?
“Maybe if you told Sabrina what happened the last time you saw him, she’d understand how it’s possible that Adam could have gone MIA because he wanted to,” Karen said.
“No; she can’t know. She’s his best friend and I don’t know how long and deep their ties are. Even if I did, she might still expect Adam to reach out to her. And I don’t want her to hate me for what I’ve done to him.”
“And why should it matter to you if she hates you? She’s not your friend.”
“Because our generation loves to offload their frustrations on to social media and I can’t afford to drag Fitz’s name and reputation through that humiliation because I did something stupid.”
“Oh wow; that’s very thoughtful of you, Em. I haven’t even thought about it that way. I must say, matrimony has wised you up.”
“Maybe; I think living with Fitz has taught me a lot. And that is why I’m finding it hard to accept that Fitz might be involved in Adam’s unofficial missing status.”
“But you can’t deny the fact he going dark right after his altercation with your husband seems more than a coincidence,” Karen pointed out.
“Yep. Even he doesn’t want to talk to me; he should at least get in touch with Sabrina so I can sleep at night.”
“So you miss him?”
“Of course I do but I don’t have the right to. I can’t eat my cake and have it. Talking about cakes…”
“There is no patisserie around here, Em.”
“I beg to differ,” I said, taking my phone.
“We’re not going to change our route because you crave for a cake.”
“Not just any cake, honey. Cream cake or chocolate cake or we can have both!”
Karen shook her head as she concentrated on her driving. I felt a sharp pain in my tummy which made me wince. Karen glanced at me when she noticed me touching my tummy.
“Are you okay?”
“I felt something….aaarrrrggghhh!” Karen’s eyes widened.
“Is that…blood?” I looked down at myself. I felt panic rising inside me. I looked up at her and I could see the fear in her eyes as well. She upped her speed and another sharp pain slashed through me. My eyes began to fill with tears.
“Just breathe, Em. As much as I wanted to, I felt more comfort giving in to the oblivion swallowing me up than waking up to the pain which seemed to aggravate with every breath I inhaled.
“Emily, can you hear me?”
Oh boy, even if I wanted to die, Karen wasn’t going to let me do so in peace.
I tried to murmur something but my voice was gone. I felt pain all over. I screamed.
“Hold on, Emily. We’re almost there.”

As they rushed me inside, I managed to talk through my pain, telling Karen to call my husband. She nodded and stopped just as I was dragged into the OR. I forced a smile but she knew the smile was only on my lips.
She called Fitz. He picked up at the second ring.
“Karen, is everything okay?”
“No, Fitz. Emily is in the OR. She started bleeding and she was in very deep pain. I’m scared, Fitz.”
“I’ll be right there. Call me immediately you receive an update.”
“I will; please hurry, Fitz.”
“I will.” He ended the call.
After pacing around for a few minutes, Karen called Adam’s line but it went straight to voicemail.
“Adam, this is Karen. I’d not be calling you if it weren’t serious. Emily is in the OR and it’s not looking good. I’m not asking you to rush here or anything but you deserve to know what’s happening. For everyone’s sake, I hope Emily comes out alive.” She ended her message. She wiped the stream of tears on her face.
A nurse rushed out of the OR.
“Karen?” I turned.
“Your friend is very distressed. Could you come and help keep her calm till the doctor comes in?” I rushed after her.
She held my hand and touched my hair.
“You’re here.”
“Yes, I am. We’re in this together, remember?” I nodded.
“In case I don’t make it, please tell Adam…”
“Don’t talk like that, Emily. You’re going to come out of this. I need you to believe that.”
“Tell him I’m sorry and I love him.”
“You tell him yourself, okay?” I tightened my grip on her hand with all the strength left in me.
“Promise me, Karen.”
“You’re going to be fine.” The doctor came in.
“Okay…what do we know?”
They started talking in terms that got my head swirling. Judging from my look on Karen’s face, she was lost as well.
“You’d have to leave now.” Karen looked down on me.
“Stay strong, okay? No matter how comforting it feels to give up, don’t give in. Fitz is waiting for you, the baby is counting on you and I need you so come back, okay?”
I nodded. She smiled through her tear filled eyes. I watched her as she was escorted out. I looked around the room and everyone’s face conveyed a different message. Was I dying?

“Fitz!” Karen rushed to him and broke into uncontrollable sobs in his arms.
“How is she?”
“Not good. She’s weak and she has lost a lot of blood.”
“If only she had listened to me and had gone abroad…”

I looked on as my two loves shared their fears but held on to their hopes. If only I could tell them I was going to be fine. Wait, how come I could see them? Wasn’t I supposed to be on the operating table?

The doctor came out and the look he wore wasn’t good news.
“Mr. Daniels, I’m afraid there’s a problem.”
“I don’t have the time to go into the details but the baby needs to come out now and the mother’s condition isn’t any good either. Just wanted to know what your decision would be when it comes down to saving one of them.”
“The mother; save her,” Karen said impatiently.
“I know you’re concerned but it’s her spouse’s wishes which will be considered here.”
“That’s what he wants. That’s what we both want,” Karen said.
The doctor glanced at Fitz. So did Karen. Why wasn’t Fitz saying anything?
“Fitz?” There was no time for this.
“Mr. Daniels, I need to know…”
“Save the baby.”
“What? Fitz!” Karen cried out in shock.
The doctor met his eyes to be sure and when he was, he gave a nod and headed back into the OR.
“What have you done, Fitz?”
“She’ll be fine, Karen.”
“Fine? If she was going to be fine, would he have come out to ask what your choice would be? I can’t believe you just sentenced her to die, Fitz!”
“She won’t die. I’m doing this for her.”
“How is signing her death warrant in her best interests?”
“She has always proved that the baby was more important than anything else. She chose the baby over me over and over again. I’m not going to take that away from her.”
“Oh so this is payback, huh? Trying to punish her for her choices?” He turned to face her squarely.
“Take it or leave it; I’m doing this for her.”
“And if she doesn’t make it? You’d selflessly care for the baby which isn’t even yours?”
“Watch it, Karen!”
“You’re doing this to spite Adam, aren’t you? You just offered up my friend to be slaughtered on the operating table!”
“Calm down, Karen.”
“Calm down? You’ve killed my friend! I hate you!”
She felt a hand on her arm, pulling her back.
“It’s all right, Karen.” She turned and saw that it was James. What was he doing here? She must have called him.
“Let’s go get some fresh air,” he said, pulling her gently. He nodded at Fitz and pulled her back.
“You killed Emily! You killed her! Emily!”

Karen threw up into the sink. She splashed water on her face and held on to the sink as she began panting.
“Are you okay?”
“Fitz is going to get Emily killed, James. He’s going to let her die.”
“What do you mean?”
“He chose the baby over Emily.”
“Why would he do that?” As much she wanted to, she couldn’t tell him the truth.
“Because he’s dangerous vengeful jerk!” She threw up again and wiped her mouth.

I heard my name echoing from a distance. I felt myself growing fainter. Where was I? Where was I going?

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Celebrity Status: Role Playing or Life Living?

Feels great to be in front of the cameras but not every time…

You think you know all about me because you’ve read my profile on Wikipedia. You think I’ve got it all covered because you saw the preview of my ‘fabulous’ lifestyle on TV. You think I’m forever happy because you see me smiling on magazine covers and posing on red carpets looking all charming. If only you knew…

I remember staring at the movie and music stars on my TV screen in admiration when I was little. It was then that I promised myself I would end up like them when I grew up.
Since I was little, I prepared myself for the life of fame. Dressing the part, speaking the part, signing the part,smiling and waving the part, living the part but my wildest imagination couldn’t fathom was how to live with myself after losing myself.
I learnt in the hardest way that my life wasn’t mine to own anymore. The moment I entered your living and bedrooms on your screens, I lost the key to my private life.

In the beginning, I found it flattering that the world wanted to know every inch of my life, including my diet, my keep-fit schedules even down to where I do my grocery shopping. My tweets became others’ status updates, crowned with thousands of likes, retweets and favorites whether I made sense or not. I felt like a role model. I knew it was a huge responsibility and I was ready to take it on but how do I succeed when I’m doomed to fail before I could even start?

With the cameras zooming in on my every step and the paparazzi hounding me and buzzing like flies, it was only a matter of time for me to miss a step along the way. And guess who the people to cast the first stone were? The very people I was trying so hard to please!

Then I realized it was a lost cause, how my efforts to make my life make sense were all in vain. The media extends its matchmaking services to me without me soliciting for them. My love life was everyone’s business and TV panelists thought it was their God-given right to judge my choices.
I had to run to rehab not because of the cover story that I was depressed or anything of the sort; I just wanted to have a few weeks to myself. I needed time, space peace and quiet to figure out the pieces which was my life. I couldn’t believe I was running from everything that I had toiled so hard for so I could at least catch a good night’s sleep. Away from my queen sized bed with the soft fluffy pillows! All was vanity!

So don’t assume that my life is perfect because the various entertainment shows brand it so. Behind the envious glam is the incomparable desire to stay covered under the naked glare of the camera flashes. I’m not saying it’s all bad; it has its perks so it makes sense to enjoy it as it lasts.

Photo credits to Google Images.

But if there’s anything I have learnt from this life, it would be that it’s the little things that make life meaningful. As they say, there is beauty in simplicity. If I could trade the fame I had dreamed of for years for a simple life, I wouldn’t hesitate for a second.
Who knows, maybe when my time in the limelight expires and someone else gets the spot, maybe I could live the life I really want. This is not to discourage anyone from living the life they wish in the near future but not the make the same mistakes I made.

Being a celebrity is a privilege to do something which will last in the sands of time. Fancy parties will come and go and scandals are like a taint which will never fade. So it is not who you wear and where you wear it to that count, but the legacy you leave behind after the spotlight has moved on from you.

So as you plan to get on stage, plan well on how to keep your life together both on and off the red carpet. Your life is going to be a channel for many people to watch. Make sure it’s not about your life being a nose dive, travelling from something to nothing. Instead, let it be a documentary of a life worth emulating and forever remembered.

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Scarred but not Damaged

I have always admired people with bodies ‘without blemish.’ I always perceive them to have lived comfortable lives thus not having to engage in tasks that would taint the body. Or even if their lives were not that comfortable, they took enough care of their bodies such that their hardships would not be visible to every watching eye.
In the same way, no matter how accomplished someone is in his/her field; I find the presence of black spots especially on the legs gross. I’m tempted to think, ‘Perhaps he didn’t know he’d grow up to be this important so he didn’t think of taking better care of his body.’ Thus, I found it almost unforgivable when people mar the lives of others by scarring the bodies with acid and other weapons.

But I’ve realized how vain I was to focus on the perfection of a body that would end up six feet down anyway. Because at the end of the day, when we go up to meet the Father, we will be given heavenly bodies devoid of all blemish and we will have this amazing body for all eternity.
And one sort of scar which isn’t drawn on a person’s face but deeply damages him is the emotional one. These scars could be well concealed with cool looks, charming smiles and conservative moods. You wouldn’t know what someone is dealing with till you draw closer.

Photo credits to Google Images.

We are all born the same but life deals with each one of us differently. We all go through the fire; some come out well refined like gold, others come out burnt like wood. Some scars remind us of where we’ve been on the way to where we are headed. It doesn’t matter what people perceive of you when they see the scars, what matters is what they mean to you.
Instead of looking down on your scars with disdain, look at them with pride because they made you stronger, wiser and well prepped for whatever lies ahead.

Life isn’t fair and no one is perfect so it’s nearly impossible to live out your days without scars. Physical ones are shameful but the emotional ones are dangerous. Let them strengthen you on your journey, not retard you. After all, we are made of clay and dust we will return to after we’ve drawn our last breath.

So never again will I look down on someone with scars because I don’t know what he/she has been through. I am dealing with mine and I expect others to respect that so why make someone else’s my business? Smooth skins don’t necessarily mean smooth lives; the same way scarred bodies don’t mean irreversibly damaged lives. No need to pay much attention to a canvas which will end up rotting anyway when what really matters is where we will end up beyond this world.

What Was I Thinking? XLVIII


He got up when the grey Ford pulled up in front of him. He walked to the other side, opened the door and sat inside.
Fitz opened his palm. The younger man handed him a brown envelope. Fitz opened it.
“Nothing happened, sir. No communication whatsoever.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah, they came face-to-face at the campus party but that lasted for a few seconds. They haven’t met ever since.”
Fitz nodded. He picked the stuffed envelope beside him and handed it to the young man.
“Thanks, sir. Nice doing business with you. Till next time.”
“I don’t hope for a next time.” He nodded and got out of the car. The car drove away. He glanced at the photos in the envelope. Fitz sighed in relief.
“I can trust my wife again.”

I was painting my fingernails whiles Karen helped Rose set the table.
“Wow…just look at the Queen having a jolly time whiles we make lunch ready for her,” Karen said cynically.
“Don’t grumble, my loyal servant. You shall be duly rewarded when my Lord arrives,” I replied.
“Epitome of annoyance.”
“I just want to make sure I look perfect for my husband when he gets home.”
“And what if the food is burnt?”
“Well, he’d know it wasn’t my fault because I wouldn’t even cook in the first place.”
“Amazing how you can say that with pride.”
“I’m not saying I’m proud about it, honey. I’m just being honest,” I sang out.
Karen shook her head and joined me on the couch. I showed her my hand.
“Looks good.” I smiled proudly.
The door opened and we both turned.
“I’m home!” I got up.
“Finally!” I started my way towards him.
“You’re still pregnant? Thought you’d have delivered by now,” he said mockingly.
“Very funny.” We hugged.
“Hi Karen; thanks for taking care of her for me.”
“You’re very much welcome, Fitz. Having to deal with pregnant Em has indeed an experience.”
“She hasn’t done a good job, Fitz.”
“Oh really?” Karen placed her hands on her hips. I pulled out my tongue at her.
The driver brought in his suitcase. Rose took it upstairs.
“Lunch is ready, honey. Would you want to freshen up first?”
“I’ll just have a change of clothes. And thanks for making lunch, Karen,” Fitz said.
I gaped at him. “How do you know it wasn’t me who prepared lunch?”
“Come on, honey,” he said and kissed my hair, “we all know that as the gospel truth.” Karen laughed.
“I’ll surprise you both one of these days.”
“Can’t wait for that day!” Karen said. We all laughed.
“I’ll go and get changed.”
“Thanks for being here, Karen. Means a lot to me.”
“What are friends for? Let’s go sit down.”

We began eating after Karen said grace. I asked Fitz about his trip and he narrated his schedule which included intermittent visits to some old friends.
“Did you see Lizzy?”
“No. I haven’t seen her since I was at the hospital. How is campus?”
“Same old same old; lectures, assignments, eating, sleeping.”
“Heard from Adam yet?” Fitz asked. I looked at him curiously.
“What do you mean?”
“The contract. Has he come to terms with it?”
“Well, I haven’t heard from him so I wouldn’t know.”
“Okay, I’ll call him.” Karen and I shared a look.
“So…have you two come up with baby names?” Karen asked.
“Not really; I was thinking…” I began.
“I think Adam will do just fine.” I turned my head sharply to look at him. He shrugged as he sipped his water. I waited for him to put his glass down.
“I don’t think that’s a good…”
“If we’re compelling him to waive his rights, the least thing we can do is name the child after him.”
“Then maybe we shouldn’t make him waive his rights,” I said.
“What are you talking about?”
“He feels like he’s selling out his child to make a career and he hates that. He hasn’t made any move challenging you over the paternity of the child. Why stir up trouble when trouble is nowhere near?”
“I think it’s better if we clear this issue before the baby arrives.”
“Whatever you say.”
“Name her Karen if she’s a girl.” Fitz and I glanced at her. She smiled coolly and I shook my head.

A few days passed and Fitz said nothing about the Adam issue so I assumed he had let it go. Little did I know…
“Honey, I’ll be out for a little while. I’m meeting a colleague for a short talk. I’ll be back before you know it.” I nodded and he bent to kiss me when we heard the doorbell ring.
“Is Karen coming over?”
“No; I’m not expecting anyone. Are you?”
“No. Let me go and see who it is.”
Rose opened the door whiles Fitz was making his way downstairs.
“What are you doing here? I told you to meet me at the…”
“I know. But I have something to say and I want Emily to hear it too.”
“You have no right to…”
“Honey, who is it?” I asked as I came out of the bedroom.
“It’s me, Emily.”
“Adam?” I came downstairs. Fitz looked very aggravated and Adam looked like he had just gone a marathon.
“What is going on?”
“Your husband asked us to meet at his office but I wanted to come here. He wants the contract over and done with.”
“I don’t have a copy of the contract here. It is at the office; that is why I asked us to meet there.”
Adam turned to face him.
“Well, I didn’t come here to sign any document.”
“Then why are you here?”
“We all know that I knocking your wife up was doing you a big favor so it’s about time you acted like it.”
“Adam!” He looked at me.
“I figured it out. When you said, the baby was a gift to you two, I realized that his vasectomy story was a sham.”
“You told him?” Fitz asked me, shocked.
“Of course I did. I had just realized I was carrying another man’s baby. How else could I have explained it to him?”
“You don’t go round telling your one night stand your husband’s private details!”
“Don’t shout at her. Who could have imagined that a powerful man like Mr. Fitz Daniels would be the kind shooting blanks and paying off guys who knock up his wife?”
“Don’t you dare to talk to me like that!” Fitz charged towards Adam. I pushed Adam away and stood in between them.
“Everyone, calm down! We’re not going to go anywhere like this. Now listen to me Adam, the fact that you fathered this baby doesn’t give you the right to talk to my husband like that. This was my fault, no one else’s. We had our fun while it lasted but even if we could turn back the hands of time, I’d still choose Fitz.”
“Fitz is a man of his word and he will honor the business contract with you but I need you to give him his due respect. I made you commit an unforgivable sin even before you met Fitz and I’m sorry. But please don’t say anymore.” I turned to face my husband who was still glaring at Adam.
“And you are not going to make him sign anything, Fitz. It’s enough ripping Adam from his flesh and blood. He’s not going to challenge you from playing the father role. Or are you?” directing the question to Adam. He only stared at me.
“Then this settles it.” Fitz and Adam continued to lock angry gazes.
“Adam is going to have his fair share of access to the baby…”
“Wait, what? Are we having a threesome marriage or something? I don’t know why I’m even tolerating this. Some men would even have…”
“Even what, thrown her out? Why don’t you? Because I’d love to take her as mine.”
I held the sides of my head. This would have been every woman’s dream; to have two great guys fighting over her but here I was, heartbroken over it all.
“You’ve really got some balls to talk to me like that.”
“Of course I do. My balls got juice. The evidence is right in front of you. What about yours?” he said, pointing to my tummy. I short-lived his gloating moment by slapping him hard on the face. His shock was visible to all.
I had to before Fitz did and something told me if he had, Adam would be deeply hurt.
“That is gross disrespect, Adam. He is my husband and your sponsor and nothing changes that. Just leave before you say something you can’t take back.”
He rubbed his assaulted cheek and glared at Fitz.
“Just so you know, I’ll be filing for custody when the baby is born. Let’s see how your marriage can stand that,” Adam warned and walked out.
“Did you hear that? That’s what I wanted to avoid,” Fitz said.
“He doesn’t mean it. He’s just trying to get under your skin.”
“Well, he succeeded because he got into my bones and take it from me, he’s going to pay for that,” Fitz vowed and went back upstairs.
I sat down in exhaustion and rubbed my tummy. You’re not even out yet and there’s a war between your two daddies, I muttered.

Some days passed and Fitz seemed to have gotten over the confrontation with Adam. I came out of the bathroom one evening to find my phone ringing. It was an unknown number.
“Emily?” It was a female voice.
“Who wants to know?”
“It’s me, Sabrina.”
“Oh hi. I asked Adam of you some time back. Hope you’re good.”
“I will be. Have you heard from Adam today?”
“No, I haven’t. Why, what’s up?”
“I haven’t heard from Adam for three days now. At first, it would go straight to voicemail but now it’s off. Adam isn’t the kind to just go dark and even if he wants to do so, he’d let me know so I don’t get worried. But I don’t know…I have a bad feeling about this, Emily.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“We haven’t really been chatting these days so I had no idea. What do you think we should do?”
“I don’t know if it’s too early but I was considering going to the police.”
“You think he’s missing?”
“I don’t know what to think, Emily and it’s freaking me out. Three days is too long.”
“I agree. Let’s wait tonight out and if he doesn’t turn up tomorrow, then you can go and tell the police.”
“Okay; and if he happens to call you…”
“I’ll let you know immediately. Thanks for informing me, Sabrina.”
“Sure. Bye.” She ended the call.
I dialed Adam’s number but it was off. Where was he?
Well, he succeeded because he got into my bones and take it from me, he’s going to pay for that, Fitz’s words rang out in my mind. Fitz couldn’t have… I shuddered at the thought.
I quickly dressed and went downstairs where Fitz sat, listening to the news. I approached with slow, steady steps. He glanced over at me.
“Are you feeling okay?”
“Not so much. When was the last time you heard from Adam?” I couldn’t waste time beating about the bush.
“I was hoping we wouldn’t have to talk about that brute ever again.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
“Since the day he came here. Why?”
“His friend just called. Apparently, Adam has gone MIA for at least three days.”
“Which friend? I didn’t know you two had any shared friends.”
“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”
“I’m sorry you lost me.”
“Do you know where Adam is?” Fitz chuckled.
“Excuse me? Are you accusing me of something?”
“No, it was an innocent question. Do you…?”
“No, I don’t. Besides, why would I? I’m not his bodyguard.”
“Fitz, I know this whole situation hasn’t been easy on you but if you’ve anything to do with his disappearance…”
“What would you do?” He got and walked to me. I fisted my palms so they wouldn’t tremble.
“Huh, would you report me to the police as a suspect?”
“You were here when that twit was running his mouth telling me his balls got juice and I was shooting blanks…”
“We both agree he was out of line with that statement.”
“Out of line? He insulted me, Emily!”
“Fine; what has that got to do with what I’m asking right now?”
“What it’s got to do with it is my answer that I don’t give a rat’s ass if he’s been thrown into the Atlantic Ocean.”
“He’s under your management. If he really is missing, don’t you think people would be asking you questions?”
“The PR will handle that. And so that I’m absolutely clear, I have no idea where your lover boy is,” he spat the words at me. I winced. Fitz started to walk away.
“Don’t you walk away from me, Fitz. We’re not done talking.”
“I’m done so if you’re not, you can talk to the baby. After all, it’s his, right?”
I let out a groan and managed to sit down. Keeping this baby was clearly a mistake.
Where are you, Adam? I muttered.

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