Spouses, Stop Punishing Each Other! 

Wives denying their husbands sex is no news. A lot these stories can be heard on radio call-in shows by frustrated husbands and unremorseful wives. The story is usually along the lines of, ‘He doesn’t lift up a finger to help with anything in the house. I spend the whole day running around the house, cleaning after him and when I’m trying to catch some sleep, he wants me to open my legs? Hell no!’

Counselors continue to hammer in the caution for wives not to use sex denial as a weapon of punishment against their husbands. It would only end badly for them as it would push their men to seek comfort outside the matrimonial home. This tends to happen a lot since there a lot of desperate, needy single ladies who are availed themselves to provide any service married men may be in need of. Regardless of this threat, both men and women refuse to come to a compromise on the issue. Sex starvation still happens.

I figured it was a tool exclusive to women as a ‘discipline’ tool. Apparently, I was wrong. I was beyond shocked to hear the story of a married woman who was going out of her mind because her husband was denying her sex because she was ‘untidy.’ This man is supposedly a neat freak and hates to see unwashed dishes in the sink, things lying around where they shouldn’t be…I’m sure you get the picture. The woman claimed she isn’t untidy; she just gets overwhelmed with everything on her plate and leaves certain things undone sometimes. For her dear husband, that is unacceptable and the only way he deems fit to show his displeasure is to deny her sex. Incredible, right?

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. It’s no laughing matter, I know. Who would have thought that what women can do, men can do as well? For a married woman to take this story on air for advice from the public shows how close she is to the tipping point. I wonder how that makes one feel, withholding something from someone you claim to love knowing the effect it would have on him/her. Powerful, in control? Maybe. But for how long?

Whether it’s the husbands or the wives doing the withholding, it is not right for either party to hurt each other this way. As much as husbands are susceptible to cheat, wives also stand the risk of seeking emotional comfort from outside the home, usually ‘best friends’ or colleagues from work. And when a married woman gets emotionally attached to another man, that is bad news.

One issue plaguing most couples of today is lack of or ineffective communication. If you want your partner to help you with something, don’t just assume that he has to know. ‘Can’t he see I’m swarmed? Doesn’t he know that I need help?’ Well, men are not mind readers. Ask kindly and you might be surprised how much he might come around in helping you. Using sex denial as a weapon will only cause other troubles and may cost you your marriage.

And for the dear husbands, if you want to enjoy your marriage and your wives as you wish, then help your wives and relieve them a little. It wouldn’t degrade your manhood by working alongside her so she wouldn’t end the day so tired so as not to pay you any attention in the bedroom.

Instead of fighting and punishing each other, talk. You are stuck with each other anyway. It is in your best interests to make it easier to live together. For better for worse, remember your spouse is not the enemy. There are many forces who would delight in seeing your marriage fail. Don’t give them something to rejoice over. If you’ve come this far, then you can make to the end-till death do you part.

© Josephine Amoako 2017

Photo credits to Capital FM Kenya. 

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12 Comments Add yours

  1. richardjalba says:

    I agree with your post. The way I think about communication is “Be brave enough to stand up to your partner and voice yourself”. Both partners need to let go of entitlement, and until both partners can do so there will be no resolve.

    I would definitely recommend Athol Kay’s guide for all men, and for all women to buy for there men.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, Richard.


  2. Amanya says:

    “Unwashed dishes” ohhh oh. It’s all easy in marriage if you’re equal buddies.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Haha… I know, right? I agree, Amanya.


  3. Ganzymalgwi says:

    lovely post. the best way out of this is for both of the couples to be open and talk to each other, i think in keeping the love fire burning even after marriage is a way out, instead of feeling i am now married i cant keep doing what i did in my singlesness


  4. I enjoyed every bit of this….. great thoughts. i also have seen a similar story of wife molesting and abusing husband, starving him of sex and raining insults on him just because he wasn’t meeting up financially as he did when they first met and also with a claim of the man being promiscuous. You might want to read at https://richteesblog.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/domestic-violence-tales-from-the-other-side/

    Well done and thank you for sharing these thoughts

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Wow…. People are suffering lol

      Liked by 1 person

  5. gracelarbi says:

    Hmmm great piece you have put together there!
    What most couples forget is that doing things together, also helps bond them together!
    Well using sex denial as a punishment is recipe for disaster and women are equally susceptible to cheating.
    And again it is dialogue/communication that would definitely clear the air, we all are not mind readers.
    Also forgive those of us who are neat freaks small, our not being able to stand things like that tend to affect our entire mood. On the other hand, neat freaks, whether the place is in a mess or not does not add to or subtract from the bond you supposed to share in there..so learn to gloss over some of the mess ok.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      Great advice, Grace! I agree with you 💯


  6. heatherjo86 says:

    This is so true! “Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies… for no man ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cherishes it… the woman should have deep respect for her husband” (Ephesians 5:25-33). Christ sets the example for us. He loved the congregation and didn’t withhold anything from it. I do believe it breaks down into a lack of communication. But withholding sex is a sin in itself and allows temptations to creep in, increasing the likelihood of adultery (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). If we love our mates, we shall I’ll never gain any pleasure from depriving them of their needs.

    Liked by 1 person

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