I was completely heartbroken when I heard of your tragic passing. I remember the last chat we had. You were teasing me about my crush turned girlfriend. Little did I know between the lines were your shattered heart pieces.
We’ve known ourselves since forever, I can’t remember a point in my life when you weren’t in it. You were my sister, best friend, my ride and die chick, my everything. I loved you, you knew I did because I told you several times. You must have thought that I only saw the sister and friend in you because we’ve been close for so long but that wasn’t true. Maybe it’s my fault for letting you think that way.
My heartbeat towards you changed when we met during the holidays after our first term in senior high school. It was the first time we had been apart from each other for so long. You had grown and blossomed into a lovelier version of yourself and for the first time when we hugged, it felt different.
I had wanted to tell you on several occasions but you kept telling me of the guys you were crushing on and I didn’t want to make things awkward between us after telling you how I felt. I cherished what we had so much that I dreaded losing you by creating a wedge between us. I would rather be your always-and-forever bestie than to be a used-to-be childhood friend. I also believed in the saying that, if something was for you, it would definitely come back to you.
That is why I totally supported all your mini relationships, cheered you on and gave you my shoulder to lean and my hankie to blow your nose in whenever one of those silly guys broke your heart. Whenever I gathered momentum to tell you that we should try the next level, you always had news of someone you had met and couldn’t wait to date. That was when I knew I had to find love elsewhere.
When I read your diary after your demise, I couldn’t believe my eyes. If I had known that you felt the same way about me, I would have said so long ago. But why didn’t you say anything? Is it because of the stereotype that guys are supposed to do the proposal? But you and I were way past that line. We have told each other even more intimate things than that. Hindsight speaking, you did try to put forth some pointers but I guess I was too distracted to have noticed.
I regret all the moments I could have changed our story by just saying the magic three words differently from how I usually did. If I knew telling you about my crush on and asking out of B would hurt you to the point of ending your life, I wouldn’t have. A part of me hoped that at the end, it would be you and me walking down the aisle and exchanging vows. Seeing other people was just a phase we had to go through to discover how much we need each other and why it didn’t work out with anyone else.
I had a dream that awful night your gentle soul departed. It was the both of us exchanging mock vows as kids. The ring I had put on your finger was the plastic thingy mummy pulls out of a vegetable oil bottle. It felt so real that I’m not sure if it’s a memory that I had forgotten or just a dream. I cried like never before.
I don’t know how to live with myself knowing that I drove you to end it all. If only you had told me…I would have kissed the words out of your mouth and the world would have known that we were officially lovebirds!
I guess I have to wait to see you on the other side. I don’t know how long that would take but I assume it would be a while. I wish that I won’t ever forget you and how your smile made my heart flutter and I will try to hold on to our memories together as long as I can. But I promise to live the best out of my life for the both of us. And I will tell you how crazy the world turned out after you left.
I hope you are looking down at me and wishing me well. Whenever the sun goes to sleep and the sky is littered with stars, I’ll look for you because I know you will be the brightest one.
I love you, M and I always will. Rest well, sweet gentle soul and may we meet again.
Josephine Amoako © 2017
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