When Marriage Feels Like A Time Bomb


(c) classic105.com

My husband doesn’t love me. I know it. I can feel it in the air when we sit to eat. I hear it loudly when he sighs. He knows that I know. And he makes no effort to conceal it. On the contrary, he goes out of his way to let me know his love has evaporated. His attitude is so evident that trying to turn a blind eye seems impossible. When I first noticed it, I assumed it was just a phase so it was an opportunity to prove to him he made the best choice making me his wife. But it seems like the harder I try, the more bored he gets with me. 

Whenever I give him my best smile in welcoming him back home from work, he gives me the look which says, ‘Dont bother trying too hard.’ I’m sure you’re wondering how things were before we said our vows. Didn’t I see the signs before the big day? Hmm…I guess it’s better I come clean. I did and so did my mother but we were both excited that I was getting married so we prayed about it, hoping things would get better. I was 28 at the time and marriage was almost like a do-or-die affair at the time. 

Now I’m a Mrs. but it looks like I’m sitting on a time-bomb, waiting for the dreaded announcement, “Efe, I want a divorce.” Whenever he clears his throat, my heart misses a beat. Is he about to say it? When he shifts in bed in the middle of the night, I wonder, is it time? I ask myself, is all this heartache worth it? If I had stepped up to him and asked him if he had any second thoughts about our marriage before the D day and he had told me the truth, what would my life be like today? I might still be single at 30 which feels like doomsday but at least, I’d be a happy single than a miserable spouse.

Maybe it is my own doing. Against my better judgment, I took his phone months ago when he was in the shower and read some of his chats. I was intrigued by one long and intense chat with one named Sweetie. The name alone was an instant red flag. Was it her pet name given by her parents or was it one given by my husband? A look at her DP made me nervous. She looked beautiful, more beautiful than I’d care to admit. Goodness, did I have a rival?

After confiding in a mutual friend, he told me Sweetie is actually my husband’s ex. They have been sweethearts since school days but they broke up after a while and that’s when my husband met me. I was hurt to know that I was his rebound but who isn’t? Everyone is someone’s ex, right? Lame, I know; anything to console my pitiful self seems okay.

Apparently, they made up a few weeks to the wedding. No wonder he was acting funny at the time. But he couldn’t really abandon me then because I was pregnant. I know using a baby to trap a man into marriage is a bad idea but hey, it was all I had at the moment and he wanting to be responsible, walked down the aisle with me. 

But this baby glue wasn’t going to stick for long. I had a stillborn baby. I couldn’t quite describe the look on the face when the doctor told us. Was it relief I saw in his sigh or disappointment? Whichever it was, he didn’t think it worthy to keep playing the happy husband after that.  He wouldn’t even touch me so we could make another baby. He keeps coming home late. Whenever I ask, he snaps. I realized he was doing it to provoke me into destroying the marriage. So I’ve stopped asking. 

He’s having an affair with Sweetie, I can tell. I smell her on his shirts. I even see smudges of her lipstick on his collar sometimes. Whether it’s intentional or not, I can’t tell. I don’t want to lose my husband. I really love him but it seems he’s not willing to make us work. 

What do I do? Approach Sweetie and tell her to let go of my husband? What if he gets angry with me and leaves the house? My mum says I should keep praying. I am but sometimes I feel it only hits the ceiling and bounces back to me. I wonder how long this would last. Should I pack my bags and wait for judgment day? Should I walk out before he does? Or should I stay and keep hoping for the best? Please help!
A worried wife.

© Josephine Amoako 2016 

***Kindly fill out my survey form if you haven’t already. Thank you. ***

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54 Comments Add yours

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thanks. Any thoughts?

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Ms_Eleeza says:

    Quite a dicey one… Per what I know, the only time you can walk out on a marriage is if, one party commits adultery which he has… Plus the reasons for walking into this marriage was wrong anyway… But what do I know? Hopefully, there should be some headway

    Liked by 2 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      I know, it is quite dicey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Shereen says:

    She should leave. His cheating wasn’t a “mistake” but just because I’m petty, I will stay and make him miserable by being a wonderful wife and he make him feel guilty because he obviously isn’t bold enough to leave on his own.

    But no one should be trapping no one

    Liked by 3 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      You think she being a good wife will guilt-trip him? He doesn’t seem to care. I agree, trapping someone usually backfires. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Shereen 😊

      Liked by 2 people

  3. vhuvu says:

    Are you sure you want my thoughts. I’d kill them both. Lol. Kidding. I’m not one to make my life miserable. I love me toof much to suffer. So in her case I’d probably leave him. But I’d leave worse than I got him. I don’t get why he married her. He’s making her miserable too. So unfair. She’s stromg and stupid at the same time. Walk away. Forever

    Liked by 3 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      He married her to spite the other woman and then went back to her. So unfair to the wife. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, dear

      Liked by 2 people

  4. meyasroar says:

    I was heartbroken reading this. It’s not easy being in a one sided relationship, not easy at all.

    Please forgive if what I say seems harsh, but a few of the things you said scream out to me;
    1. He obviously has very little feeling for you. Quite frankly, I think he’s a chicken shit for not having the respect to be honest and talk to you and seems to be waiting for you to give him an out. How can you stand it? Seeing evidence of his infidelity would drive me insane.
    2. Your confidence and self esteem are linked to being in a relationship with this man. He has already withdrawn but you are hanging on with white knuckles. Why? And what for? What are you actually getting out of it apart from becoming twisted in your reasons for trying to maintain a picture that you’ve never had? You already know it’s not going to work. Do you feel he owes you something? Do you think he will ever be able to or want to make amends!
    3. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone! The key thing is to learn from them and not make them again. Forgive yourself and move on.

    I want to let you know that you are worth so much more. You deserve so much more. Age ain’t nuthin but a number. You too still have the time to find your hero. Be brave – you have been through so much worse. Let him go, it’s not fair to push him to be with you. It’s not fair to you, It will only get worse, but the power is with you. Set yourself free.

    Take care x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      Great advice there. Thanks for sharing ☺

      Liked by 1 person

      1. meyasroar says:

        My pleasure, hope it helps.😁

        Liked by 1 person

  5. eddaz says:

    I feel so sad for her but apparently this is a lesson for women not to tie men down with pregnancy. Is it really worth it?? Well I hope all goes well for her and pray her husband tries to love her again. Good post Josephina👌

    Liked by 2 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      No, tying people down isn’t worth it. Hope so too. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts, Eddaz ☺

      Liked by 2 people

      1. eddaz says:

        My pleasure!

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Lochan says:

    Well I don’t think it’s fair to both of them to stay in a loveless marriage.. Just because she thinks she is a better woman if she’s married doesn’t mean she is.. I think she should leave him and not let him decide her self esteem..

    Liked by 2 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      Hmmm…. You may be right. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Lochan. ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  7. kankonana says:

    Wow what a story. 💔
    For what i know from life so far, it’s better to leave things before they do.
    I wish her to find the courage & wisdom to take the good decision.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Kankonana

      Like

  8. Lo-site says:

    The Lord has given all the signs for her to accept that its not working but she is still holding on. I guess she should now pray for courage and peace to sit her husband down and ask him if he still wants to be married to her and take it from there…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      Yes, she needs courage. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts ☺

      Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thanks for the reblog ☺

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are welcome…

        Liked by 1 person

  9. gracelarbi says:

    Well not the time to say you should have….typical issue between the deep blue see and the rock…where to go. I suggest you keep praying and be honest in your prayer with God. Admit your past mistakes and ask Him to help and intervene in the issue.

    Concentrate on other areas of your life so you don’t also end up with ailments and guilt. Forgive your hubby and let it go….focus on God to make a way…after all is He not our Waymaker?1

    Liked by 3 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      God definitely is our way maker, Grace. Thanks for sharing your advice

      Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thanks for the reblog ☺

      Like

  10. DamiLoves says:

    I think it’s so difficult to give advice on marriage, because it is so emotionally tasking. What do you say to two people stuck in unhappiness? Trying to make something work requires two people who want to be happy in their marriage. I’m not sure that is the case here

    Liked by 2 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      Hmmm…. I agree. Feels like punishment. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Dami

      Like

  11. K E Garland says:

    Joseyphina, this is a great story and thought-provoking. I think you might enjoy reading my book, The Unhappy Wife. I hope you don’t mind me sharing the link here: http://www.kegarland.com. As far as the advice, I completely agree with the blogger above, DamiLoves. Every situation like this is unique and a happy marriage requires TWO happy people who first know and love themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thanks for sharing the link and your thoughts ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Elorm Yankah says:

    This is a great story. Made me sad though ☹️. I think she should keep praying but confront him. Confronting the other woman never helps. But she should at least do something and not just sit and wait for the marriage to explode. That’s what I think.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      I agree, approaching the other woman might worsen issues. Thanks for sharing your thoughts ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Ufuomaee says:

    An insightful piece for someone who hasn’t married! You’ve got quite an imagination. Unfortunately, many women are in such a marriage… It’s a good warning for people to be careful how they enter into marriage.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thanks for reading, Ufuomaee ☺

      Liked by 1 person

  14. prinxy says:

    Wow, what a story… Well, leaving the Man is sure good… My question… Even when she leaves him, does it stop her from going through Emotional Pain?… No.. Definitely No!
    ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
    According to the story, she had a stillbirth… She wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about the Man, it’s all she got….
    Why leave pain and go into more pain…
    **Challenges in life are meant to be faced and not to be shy away from….***
    Leaving him when he has not said it is not an option

    My advice is for her to take the challenge…
    “for better and for worse” they both said it to the congregation…. Fight for your words…
    Continue Praying… Go for counseling (Elders of the Church, not group of Gossip) and keep the knowing that he is yours…. Because He choose You

    Thanks for sharing… 💖💖

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Keep to her vows…. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Prinxy 👍

      Liked by 1 person

  15. prinxy says:

    She should Embark on the success journey with courage and will; and she will succeed… Every Marriage is Journey just as success is a journey…

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Hi 🙂

    I saw this particular blog on another blog I’m following and was so intrigued. You literally kept me at the edge of my seat, wondering whether this would be another happy ending! WOW! The suspense is amazing. I’m looking forward to raiding your blog these holidays, when i’m off work lest i remain unproductive….

    Back to the story Efe finds herself in a dicey situation. Its painful because its one of her making too, so many mistakes they both made. She totally ignored her instincts in the first place, a woman’s intuition is a Powerful thing never to be discarded.
    As much as leaving maybe the right thing, after all the Scriptures give an allowance for adultery. She should keep praying, Tough it out a bit ( Because if she lives, Can she get married again? NO! In God’s eyes she will still be married to him till that man dies).
    But then again, everyday she hurts, every day its tough… Why do you have to make us think so hard?!

    I’m confusing myself. She is really between a rock and a hard place, in the end she should do what makes her happy even if it means a separation, or life forever alone. Sometimes the choices we make really put us in a cave.

    Shaz
    mslyricwriter

    Like

  17. D'Dream says:

    This is quite a dicey situationship. They both tread the wrong path to intimacy and albeit sworn before God and man to keep their vow to each other.
    They are married already, that’s a fact. He is cheating – that’s a fact too which is rather emotionally drenching and painful to Efe.
    I wouldn’t suggest she divorce him since there isn’t any issue of domestic violence involved. She would have to be patient and continue to be the good wife and very soon I believe he will come around.
    Albeit if he doesn’t, she is permitted to leave

    Like

    1. joseyphina says:

      Hmmm… True words. Thanks for sharing your advice

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I’m so sorry, pretty girl. You seem so incredibly kind, and this would be hard for anyone. I agree with a lot of the comments that you deserve better, but I also know that leaving is so much easier said than done. I HIGHLY recommend you read “The Theory of Adult Attachment” and maybe even go see a therapist who can help you muster the strength to leave. I left my boyfriend of 5 years (I know it’s different than a husband!) when he behaved similarly and it was the best, but hardest thing I’ve ever done. Hang in there and message me anytime! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thanks for your kind advice! Much appreciated 💞

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Wow, I am sitting at work refusing to even adjust my seat because I didn’t want to miss a word. Okay, back to the question.. I have heard similar stories from a few of my girlfriends minus the evidence of another woman. I would first tell you to pray…and when you pray don’t go with your mind made up either way. Go with a open mind and let God direct you. And I will always remind you of the vow (for better or for worse). For some reason we have stipulations on “worse”. It may not be as clear as it seems.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thanks for reading and sharing your advice. Much appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Thanks, I can so identify with this story. I think we tend to hang on way too long because it’s easier than letting go and walking away, even if it does hurt to stay. Leaving would be the right choice, the pain would be sharp and sting, but I think it would subside after awhile once we were out in the world and free to be ourselves again. We want our partners to be everything perfect, everything we want and expect, and we are likely to be let down by these expectations.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. joseyphina says:

      You are right. Our expectations could be end of us. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts ☺

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have been there, and know how it feels, and I put myself in a spot I should have not have put myself in. It is so easy to do. It’s hard to control your heart, because it is not listening to what your brain is telling you.

        Liked by 1 person

  21. Jose, this is a concise reflection of the most marriages in Africa. I am personally not amused by the whole pregnancy hook thing . I think it leaves the guy feeling outsmarted and will be secretly plotting his own revenge for the duration of the marriage.

    Keep being an inspiration with your blog.
    I mentioned you in my blog:

    THE BLOGGERS WHOSE WORK INSPIRED ME IN 2016
    Its been a year since I took to blogging . Its been a awesome and fulfilling journey on a personal level. 2017 will bigger and better  as I …

    https://rolandoforispeaks.wordpress.com/2017/01/03/the-bloggers-whose-work-inspired-me-in-2016/

    Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thank you very much, Roland. And happy new year! May 2017 be our best year yet! Thanks for the mention as well. Very much appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Always welcomed Jose.

        Liked by 1 person

  22. rudymariee says:

    I am so sorry for what you are feeling, I can’t imagine it. I do hope that you have since been able to find some peace. You are young and beautiful and there’s someone somewhere that will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Sending warm thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. joseyphina says:

      Thank you very much, Rudy!

      Liked by 1 person

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