My husband doesn’t love me. I know it. I can feel it in the air when we sit to eat. I hear it loudly when he sighs. He knows that I know. And he makes no effort to conceal it. On the contrary, he goes out of his way to let me know his love has evaporated. His attitude is so evident that trying to turn a blind eye seems impossible. When I first noticed it, I assumed it was just a phase so it was an opportunity to prove to him he made the best choice making me his wife. But it seems like the harder I try, the more bored he gets with me.
Whenever I give him my best smile in welcoming him back home from work, he gives me the look which says, ‘Don’t bother trying too hard.’ I’m sure you’re wondering how things were before we said our vows. Didn’t I see the signs before the big day? Hmm…I guess it’s better I come clean. I did and so did my mother but we were both excited that I was getting married so we prayed about it, hoping things would get better. I was 28 at the time and marriage was almost like a do-or-die affair at the time.
Now I’m a Mrs. but it looks like I’m sitting on a time-bomb, waiting for the dreaded announcement, “Efe, I want a divorce.” Whenever he clears his throat, my heart misses a beat. Is he about to say it? When he shifts in bed in the middle of the night, I wonder, is it time? I ask myself, is all this heartache worth it? If I had stepped up to him and asked him if he had any second thoughts about our marriage before the D day and he had told me the truth, what would my life be like today? I might still be single at 30 which feels like doomsday but at least, I’d be a happy single than a miserable spouse.
Maybe it is my own doing. Against my better judgment, I took his phone months ago when he was in the shower and read some of his chats. I was intrigued by one long and intense chat with one named Sweetie. The name alone was an instant red flag. Was it her pet name given by her parents or was it one given by my husband? A look at her DP made me nervous. She looked beautiful, more beautiful than I’d care to admit. Goodness, did I have a rival?
After confiding in a mutual friend, he told me Sweetie is actually my husband’s ex. They have been sweethearts since school days but they broke up after a while and that’s when my husband met me. I was hurt to know that I was his rebound but who isn’t? Everyone is someone’s ex, right? Lame, I know; anything to console my pitiful self seems okay.
Apparently, they made up a few weeks to the wedding. No wonder he was acting funny at the time. But he couldn’t really abandon me then because I was pregnant. I know using a baby to trap a man into marriage is a bad idea but hey, it was all I had at the moment and he wanting to be responsible, walked down the aisle with me.
But this baby glue wasn’t going to stick for long. I had a stillborn baby. I couldn’t quite describe the look on the face when the doctor told us. Was it relief I saw in his sigh or disappointment? Whichever it was, he didn’t think it worthy to keep playing the happy husband after that. He wouldn’t even touch me so we could make another baby. He keeps coming home late. Whenever I ask, he snaps. I realized he was doing it to provoke me into destroying the marriage. So I’ve stopped asking.
He’s having an affair with Sweetie, I can tell. I smell her on his shirts. I even see smudges of her lipstick on his collar sometimes. Whether it’s intentional or not, I can’t tell. I don’t want to lose my husband. I really love him but it seems he’s not willing to make us work.
What do I do? Approach Sweetie and tell her to let go of my husband? What if he gets angry with me and leaves the house? My mum says I should keep praying. I am but sometimes I feel it only hits the ceiling and bounces back to me. I wonder how long this would last. Should I pack my bags and wait for judgment day? Should I walk out before he does? Or should I stay and keep hoping for the best? Please help!
–A worried wife.
© Josephine Amoako 2016
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