What Was I Thinking? XXIV


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Karen rushed to the bathroom to find me on the floor.

“What is it?” She snatched the stick from my trembling hand. Her eyes widened with shock.

“Oh no; I was hoping I was wrong about this.”
“What do I do, Karen? I’m not ready for this.” She helped me up and out of the bathroom. I collapsed onto the bed and closed my eyes.

“This can’t be. It just can’ be. Is it possible that it’s a false alarm?” I asked, hoping for a way out of this ditch.

“It could be but it’s highly unlikely,” Karen said regretfully.

“I have exams coming up. I can’t handle the whole hormonal drama and come to think of the bump! Oh no, I can’t do this!”
“You might be a few weeks old so no one would notice throughout the exam period. So you don’t have to worry about anyone seeing your baby bump.”
“No, this can’t be happening! Please be a bad dream.” I pinched myself hard till I winced in pain.

“What are you doing?”
“Trying to wake up from this ugly nightmare.”
“And how’s that working out so far? So, next step: you have to tell Fitz. How do you think he’ll take it?”
“I have no idea. It never came up.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, we never talked about having children. I obviously wasn’t expecting one and he didn’t seem to mind.”
“So exactly what did you two talk about before the wedding?” Karen asked, puzzled.

“My dress.”
“Be serious, Em.”

“I am! We never talked about the deep stuff, you know? It’s just about being together and being a part of each other’s lives but not disrupting each other’s lives in big significant way.”

“And does he have any children with his former wife or you didn’t discuss that too?”
“Honestly, I preferred not to know.”

“Preferred? What if he were to drop dead right now, God forbid it though and five people from nowhere show up claiming to be his children; what are you going to do?”
“I’ll leave that to his will to sort that out.”
“Talking about wills, do you know if you’ve been included in his?”
“Well, I’m sure he has done that.”
“So you have no guarantee that you’d be secured in any way if something tragic happens?”
“Why should be worrying about tragedy? That would be sapping the joy out of my life!”
“It is called taking security measures, Emily. You can’t live like this. You might have it all today but without insurance, you could lose it all.”
“Okay thanks for the advice but you and I know that can wait for tomorrow. What is important right now is what is swimming inside me right now. What do we do?”
“I don’t think it’s swimming. Sperms do the swimming right now. I think it’s…”
“Karen, you’re not going to give me a lecture on conception, are you?”
“I’m sorry. Okay but what do you mean what do we do? It’s not like there are any options. You have to tell Fitz.”
“What if he isn’t cool with it?”
“Why wouldn’t he? He’s clearly in love with you which sometimes get me wondering why but yeah he does. Which man would not like to have a baby with his wife whom he really loves?” Karen asked.

“I don’t know; I have a funny feeling about this. I know Fitz; he’s really passionate about the things he is concerned about. If he wanted kids, he’d have brought it up sooner or later but so far, not even a word.”
“Well, it could be because he didn’t want to let you feel pressured since you were in school and all. And we both know him to a crazy workaholic so perhaps he hadn’t had the time to think about it. But now that it’s here, you two have no other choice but to face it.”

I sighed and shook my head. I didn’t want to deal with this right now. Karen rubbed my arm.

“It will be fine. Fitz is a good man. He’d definitely be happy to hear this.”
“But I’m not!”

“You’ll get over it. You’re in shock, that’s all. Let me prepare us something and think things through.”

“I’ve lost my appetite.”

“Come on; from now on, you can’t be selfish with the food you eat. You have another being to think about.” I groaned in agitation as I held my tummy. If only I could reach inside me and rip it out…if only life was that easy.

 

I sighed when I killed the engine. I knew this news was every husband’s delight but why did I feel so uneasy about it? Maybe it was the uncertainty of Fitz’s reaction to it. I should get it over and done with. I entered the house to find Fitz helping himself to some fries.

“Hey…how was your day?” he asked as I walked towards him.

“Preparing for exams is not fun at all,” I replied as I took a fry and bit into it.

“How was yours?”

“Not as hectic as usual. I’m flying out of town tomorrow. It was impromptu but very urgent.”
“I understand.” Things couldn’t be more perfect. I’d just drop the bomb and see him off! He sat down and I sat on the arm of the sofa, putting my arm around him.

“Um…I know we never talked about this and this would definitely require a huge readjustment on our part as individuals and a couple. I want you to know I didn’t plan for this….I mean not now; considering I’m still in school…”
“What is it, Em?” Fitz asked, concern etching hard on his forehead. I smiled coolly.

“I should have been more careful…”
“Emily, what happened?”

“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out. He blinked hard at me. His silence was deafening.

“What?”
“Yeah, we’re going to have a baby,” I said with a nervous chuckle.

“But…”
“I wasn’t very judicious about taking the pill.” He was quiet which felt odd. Why wasn’t he saying anything? He should be excited and carrying me with joy about going to be a father. Isn’t that what we see in movies? He bowed his head. Now, my anxiety level was its peak.

“Fitz?” When he looked up at me, my heart sunk.

“Are you cheating on me?” he asked quietly. I got up, stunned.

“What, why would you ask me that?”

“Because I don’t see how you could get pregnant.” Wait, were my ears playing tricks on me?
“What do you mean? We’ve been married for almost a year and we’ve had a regular sex schedule since then.”
“I know but it’s impossible.”
“Why should it be….?” Oh no…Was he impotent? If it wasn’t him, then who could it….Oh no! He looked at me.

“I had a vasectomy two months after my divorce. I was going through a rough time and I was with quite a number of women so I had the procedure to protect myself from having to father any unwanted babies. And I didn’t want to risk it with you because you were in school. So I wanted to wait till you were ready before I had the procedure reversed. And if my memory serves me right, I haven’t had the reversal procedure yet. So, how is it possible that you’re pregnant?”
I felt as if my body was on fire. I was sweating everywhere. What the hell had I done? I began to feel dizzy. Fitz looked at me, obviously awaiting an answer and I had none, I mean not an acceptable one.

“So is there something you’d want to tell me, Em?” Fitz asked coolly.

Where are you, Lord? This would be the perfect time to rapture me away!

 

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