What Was I Thinking? III


“You what?” Karen screamed so loud that the hairs on my skin stood in fright. I bit my lower lip so hard that I thought I tasted blood on my tongue. Oh gosh, I’m never going to hear the end of this.

“What was I supposed to do? He gave me that cute puppy-eye look and I couldn’t say no. It felt like denying a toddler of a candy bar.”

“So what? You had to let him open the whole cookie jar?”

“What is the big deal, Karen? I told you because I didn’t want you finding out from someone else. Besides, it is my cookie jar or whatever you want to call it so I decide when to open it again. As far as I’m concerned, nothing happened.”

“What kind of destructive self-denial is that? Once it is opened, there is no going back. We signed an abstinence card in high school for crying out loud!”

“Well, I can always refresh the page. Secondary virginity.” Karen scoffed.

“Then you must as well sign up for the postgraduate one as well because you have a lot of refresher courses to do.”

“Come on Karen; I came to you so you wouldn’t make me feel any worse than I was already feeling.”

“Oh like a well done, card? I can’t believe you let him take advantage of you like that. Were you drunk?”

“No; a little high above the clouds but I knew I was doing. I’m partly to blame for this.”

“If he had you cornered and you wanted an out, why didn’t you send me an SOS?”

“Because part of me really wanted to do it. It was Tony, Karen! On his knees, with his amazing cute eyes, wanting me to make his birthday the most memorable ever. Sooner or later, I would give it to someone, why not let it be Tony?”

“Have you stopped to think of how many other innocent ladies have fallen for this douche since he found out the magical effect his amazing eyes have on girls?”

“Okay; there’s no way we can go back into time and correct this so let’s just end this, okay?” I turned around to take off my earrings and I was grateful for the unexpected silence but that short-lived peace was replaced by her shrewd voice inquiring, “At least tell me he used a condom.”

I froze. I couldn’t even blink. Karen walked over and faced me when I said nothing.

“Em? Please tell me he did.”

When I finally found my voice, it was choked with tears.

“For goodness’ sake, Emily!”

“I’m new at this, Karen. Of course I’d miss out on the protocol. The time seemed right and it was perfect and he didn’t say anything…” Tears ran down my face.

“I am so going to strangle that guy when I set my eyes on him!”

I sat down when I felt my knees giving me away. I sighed.

“What have I done?” I muttered to myself.

“Opened your cookie jar, that’s what.”

“Could you stop saying cookie jar?” She kept on ranting but I couldn’t hear her because her voice was tuned out by the panicky voice in my own head. I couldn’t sleep that night. Every time I closed my eyes, my brain showed me how my life was going to turn out if I became pregnant. And each time, the scenario became more unbearable and fearful. So I left them open throughout the night and that did not help either.

The days that followed were even worse. I think I was getting depressed. Who gets depressed after an amazing night with Mr. Cute Eyes? Only when you have a friend who ruins the whole aftermath with tales of horrifying consequences. And the panic rose to its max when I realized I was late. Tony noticed my worried look and asked me if something was wrong. Should I tell him? Maybe it’s just my mood delaying it. I decided against it but when he looked at me with those eyes spelling deep concern, my tongue rolled out the words “I’m afraid I’m late,” before I could stop myself.

“Late for what?”

“Remember what happened on your birthday?”

His concerned countenance changed immediately.

“What? How could you be so careless? Aren’t you on the pill?”

“Huh? Excuse me dude, until you came around, I knew no man.”

“Oh lucky me, I hooked up with Virgin Mary and now she’s pregnant,” Tony said cynically, running his fingers through his hair.

“I don’t like the tone you’re using with me, Tony. Since obviously, you’re the pro, you should have thought of wearing something, right?”

“Come on Em; it was my birthday and I was a little out of it. You can’t blame me for forgetting one little detail.”

“But you expect me to magically know that I have to be on the pill?”

“Whatever so what’s next? You know you can’t have the baby, right?” My eyes widened.

He chuckled at my shock. “In case you have forgotten, your life has just begun. You’re a fresher. You can’t afford to have a baby now. I mean, us.”

“I’m not planning on committing murder, Tony.”

“And I’m not planning on becoming a father…at least not yet.” Our eyes got locked in a serious stare-down and for the first time, I saw something cold and mean in those eyes I once thought as the most beautiful ever.

I now understand why people say “Had I known” is the philosophy of fools.


One Comment Add yours

  1. Thanks for a lovely piece.

    Liked by 1 person

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